I’ve been missing a lot of class, but I’ve been catching up. I’ve been sleeping badly, but I’ve been coping.
I love my friends so much more than my family, who I am obligated to say ‘I love you’ to in order to maintain recent lack of hostility and aaaaaah I am very full of feelings right now.
Thank you a lot if I saw you tonight; you’ve very definitely made me so happy. While I was under I was thinking about how few people actively make me feel safe, but now I am ineffably grateful and thankful for all of you that do.
Afterwards I feel really ridiculous/silly/self-indulgent re. what I’ve thought. An example would be stuff along the lines of “I’d avoid contact with me if I could, so why should I expect others not to?” What kind of reasoning is this? How is this convincing? This is basic trust and communication stuff. I haven’t had people avoiding me be an actual life problem since primary school. Insecurity and hesitance in asking people things aren’t worth running blank for a day and posting a bunch of worrying crap.
Like legitimately if someone’s face is in my peripheral vision 90% of the time it looks like they’re turning a bit to stare at me and it can get pretty scary.
The last thing and the fact that I’m constantly misinterpreting sensory input as people staring at me or shouting at me or grabbing me probably isn’t a coincidence.
Only just kind of getting okay with asking to see people instead of just hoping they’ll be around, and still only with specific people. I guess probably a bit linked with still being in the process of getting into my head that feeling guilty/ashamed of everything isn’t like a normal or productive thing.